Hey, Did Anyone Notice There's A Corpse In The Room?

Monday, October 30, 2006

Donna's aunt has been dying for quite some time. In fact, sometime shortly after she was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's about six years ago, she could no longer recognize her own husband and children. She stopped being able to take care of things in the bathroom on her own shortly after that. Not too long later, she could not get around without help. Last week, she died.

I knew Donna's aunt Jane pretty well before she got sick. Even though she was a little difficult to deal with at times, I remember her being someone who could take a joke. This, and the fact that her husband was actively trying to set himself up with the single relatives of the respect-payers at the viewing, is why I feel comfortable making a little bit of light of the situation. In fact, it is the trolling for eternal mate #2 by the bereaved that I want to address.

Did Donna's uncle just forget, or has he never been told, that the ladies are generally put off by the presence of your wife's not-yet-cold corpse sitting in the family room? I know he's probably been on something of sexual hiatus for a while given the situation the last few years, but seriously, I think a hike up Mount Timpanogos is a much better first date than your wife's funeral. Call me old fashioned.

And ladies, just because a man's wife seems ok with his flirtation doesn't mean that she is. Don't mistake her silence and calm demeanor for approval. She might, after all, actually be deceased. You should check for a pulse before agreeing to that first date. I mean, I know he looks handsome in his suit and all, but don't encourage him. I think Ms. Manners recommends a 48 hour waiting period before courting a widower. There is an exception to this rule, of course, if you are the sister of the deceased and your eternal plurality was bequeathed in the will or an angel with a flaming sword threatened your salvation in some way.

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