After a little too much Halloween programming on The Disney Channel the other day, my youngest girls were a little freaked out about the prospect of ghosts.

"There's no such thing as ghosts", my oldest reassured them, "they're just pretend on TV."

"Except for the Holy Ghost", my seven year-old reminded her.

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Donna's aunt has been dying for quite some time. In fact, sometime shortly after she was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's about six years ago, she could no longer recognize her own husband and children. She stopped being able to take care of things in the bathroom on her own shortly after that. Not too long later, she could not get around without help. Last week, she died.

I knew Donna's aunt Jane pretty well before she got sick. Even though she was a little difficult to deal with at times, I remember her being someone who could take a joke. This, and the fact that her husband was actively trying to set himself up with the single relatives of the respect-payers at the viewing, is why I feel comfortable making a little bit of light of the situation. In fact, it is the trolling for eternal mate #2 by the bereaved that I want to address.

Did Donna's uncle just forget, or has he never been told, that the ladies are generally put off by the presence of your wife's not-yet-cold corpse sitting in the family room? I know he's probably been on something of sexual hiatus for a while given the situation the last few years, but seriously, I think a hike up Mount Timpanogos is a much better first date than your wife's funeral. Call me old fashioned.

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I have written about some of the details surrounding my experiences with and exit from Mormonism. Let me give you a more broad overview so you can see the whole picture.

My wife and I were married in 1993 after a short engagement. We were both barely 19. I saw marriage as a terrific, acceptable alternative to going on a mission (which I resisted subconsciously. I would learn much later that I never embraced Mormonism, I simply lived it). She and I married civilly first (We weren't temple worthy. Try to guess why not.) The local ward gym cleaned up really nice and we had a lovely ceremony with a band and no receiving line. We even managed to put the basketball hoops up so the Priests wouldn't crash the party to play basketball.

Now, here is a classic case of the church having heavier influence than I should have let it... I was thrilled not to have married in the temple. I was afraid of the unknown experience and, frankly, wasn't into church that much. I was happy to have a girlfriend who liked to fool around and seemed to have as much ability to shrug off church as I did.

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Some time ago I posed a question to the LDS Church via the feedback form on their website:

I am trying to find a conference talk from October 1976 Priesthood Session by Boyd K. Packer. It is entitled "To Young Men Only". I can't seem to find reference to it anywhere in the Ensign archives. I believe it was also once published in pamphlet form (this is how I remember reading it).
Can you point me in the right direction towards finding a transcript?

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I'm a bit short on time so I'm just going to jot down a few things to think about the next time you're stumped about your next Family Home Evening lesson.

Is it really easier to believe that nomadic Jewish-American immigrants (of whose existence there is no archeological evidence to support) wrote hundreds of pages of poetic, biblical prose on brass and gold tablets, the metal for which they mined and processed themselves, then died out save it be for one lone editor who buried the plates in a hill thousands of miles from where he lived only to return 1500 years later as an angel to a 14 year old boy who translated them into English using nothing but a polished stone in his hat than it is to believe that Joseph Smith simply wrote a book?

Does it make sense at all that God would give a revelation telling us not to consider it "not by commandment or constraint but by revelation and the a word of wisdom" then later change his mind and make it a commandment so important that it even trumps itself? See, in addition to the obfuscated dietary rules, the Word of Wisdom instructs the church to use "wine of your own make" for the sacrament. The use of wine was later discontinued because the consumption of wine was said to be a violation of the revelation. But the revelation explicitly commands the use of wine.

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I had a beautiful post about the time I gave a priesthood blessing to a dying infant in a hospital all written when my GODDAMNED BROWSER CRASHED.

I will take it as a sign from Gawd that the whole event was simply too secret sacred to blog about. Pearls before swine and all that.

Instead I give you this picture of where a thong should be but isn't.

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I got an email from my old friend Wally over the weekend. Apparently a friend of his had seen the post I wrote about playing hooky a few weeks ago and had passed along a link.

Wally's email was warm and nice. I felt a tiny bit bad about outing him and Sue Geertsen publicly like I did and expected him to say something about it. He didn't. I obviously didn't feel enough guilt to keep me from mentioning it again just now either. I'm sure if I ever get an email from her it will be less forgiving.

Wally reminded me of some very good times I had that summer. He brought me up to date on some of the other missionaries I haven't seen in years. Wally also told me that a spark had been ignited in him despite what some people would call troubles he had that year.

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"We will never get a man into space. This earth is man's sphere and it was never intended that he should get away from it... The moon is a superior planet to the earth and it was never intended that man should go there. You can write it down in your books that this will never happen." - May 14,1961

— Joseph Fielding Smith, Jr

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A few guys from work run and bike together regularly. Yesterday one of them invited me to go with them on tonight's run along the Bonneville Shoreline Trail.

"Sure", I said, "but don't expect me to keep up."

"Hey, we're just out to have fun."

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There is pretty much never a prayer on the food at our house. Once in a rare while one of the younger kids may announce that she wants to bless the food to which I usually respond, "The food is perfectly fine and doesn't need blessing. If you want to give thanks for the meal, give it to your mother."

This past Sunday we had my parents-in-law over for pot roast and mashed potatoes. As we were sitting down to eat my mother-in-law, from the head of the table where she managed to seat herself, announced, "Let's get this food blessed before I starve to death."

I was ready with one of my standard comebacks but decided this time not to pick the fight. Instead, Donna politely asked one of the girls to say a prayer.

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I have a self-imposed editorial policy prohibiting the posting of political subjects. For one thing, it tends to divide and alienate otherwise agreeable and amiable readers. For another, most political topics are covered by far more qualified, interested and astute bloggers than myself.

I tell you that so you know just how strongly I feel about this. It is about time for me to ask this one question, about this one thing, just this one time.

"Mr. President, now that North Korea has demonstrated that they are indeed a viable nuclear threat, don't you and your administration feel it is about time for you to learn how to actually pronounce the word 'nuclear'?"

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This afternoon at work we watched through the windows as a vagrant was arrested on the sidewalk in front of the office. The man was clearly high on something. I'm not sure if it was alcohol, drugs or something else, but the guy was having a bad chemical reaction to something.

At first, the guy was just hanging around being loud. After a bit, he started getting in the faces of passers-by. Then he was falling into things like trees, people and the building. It was at about this point that several police cars, an ambulance and two fire trucks came roaring up. Seriously, you'd think the president had been shot.

Things got particularly fun when the dude started freaking out about the EMT trying to check his eyes, smacked his head on the office window, fell onto the sidewalk and vomited all over himself and the EMT. Yes, vagrant vomit. These guys DO NOT get paid well enough for this.

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Thirteen random things:

1: Sean Astin's parents are Patty Duke and John Astin

2: Mormon women were not allowed to pray in church between 1967 and 1972

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'Tis the season for Oktoberfest, halloween parties, hot toddies and all manner of opportunities for imbibement (imbibetude?). My current situation doesn't allow for drinking. This is my own choice and it makes the benefits of my life possible. Benefits like... say... keeping my testicles attached to my body. So yeah, I'm generally OK with the arrangement.

I do miss drinking though. I like how it made me feel and I like how I felt about myself when I was drinking. I enjoyed the camaraderie of my fellow drinkers. I loved being on stage with a buzz. I am jealous of those who drink socially.

I long for the day when alcohol is as normal in my life as it is in the lives of others. Hell, I'd like for most things about me and my life to be considered normal. As it is now, I think I'm something of a circus to most people and that's after years of therapy.

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I learned this morning that Stephen Baldwin (you'll remember him as being the ugliest, stupidest, youngest and least-talented Baldwin brother... and that's saying something) has gone from snotty Hollywood party brat to born-again Christian. The local radio clowns interviewing Baldwin swooned over his so-called transformation.

He now also has this wacky brand of pulpit-thumping he's selling. He drives a mobile chapel of sorts around the country that he opens up at book signings. (Where I can only presume people show up hoping to catch a glimpse of Alec) He calls his mobile Jesusfest "The Lord's Lounge" though I'm guessing the deed to said lounge actually has Baldwin's name on it and not Jesus of Galilee.

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An excerpt from a conversation with my wife.

Donna: So, let's say God has given us a commandment that we don't understand. I think we are supposed to live it now even if we don't understand or live it when He does.

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If only every day looked just like this.

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I spent the summer of 1991 as a service missionary in Nauvoo, IL. Along with 11 other young men and women, I was there to perform on stage in the daily live performaces at the Visitors' Center and Old Cultural Hall. The performances were primarily at night so our days were filled with lots of odd jobs.

I spent several weeks working as a guide for a few of the restored homes and historic sites. Another part of the time I was there, my companion (who would later be sent home for fooling around with one of the sisters) and I were assigned to work on the church-owned ranch in and around the restored area of the city. Our duties included a wide range of things from herding cattle for vaccinations to clearing brush from emply lots and along side the roads.

It was during this time that Elder Paul Walstad and I decided we had been working hard enough. Little did I know that he was already keeping busy working Sister Sue Geertsen pretty hard... but I digress. "Wally" and I decided to take the church pickup truck we were loading full of tree limbs and catch a movie in Keokuk, IA.

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Recently, the following exchange was posted on a family website on which my in-laws participate. I have kept the spelling, capitalization and grammar completely in tact.

lost money

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I have been a lot of places in my life. Not as many places as, say, this guy but easily more places than this guy. OK, so I'm not Phileas Fogg but I have been to most of the 50 states and Canada. I even lived in Japan as a child.

When traveling it is important to know where one can find a suitable restroom. This is even more important when traveling with small children, especially girls. Have you ever tried to hold two little girls over a public toilet at the same time while they do their business so they wouldn't have to touch the seat?

Here's a friendly tip that has never failed for me. Find your nearest Mormon Visitors' Center. Mormons have the best bathrooms in the world. Their bathrooms, just like everything else in Mormonism, are exactly the same everywhere you go. You'd never know that each and every one is cleaned by volunteers. Their facilities are always air conditioned, smell like Citrus Scented Deseret Brand disinfectant and have spacious stalls with ample toilet paper. It really is quite pleasant.

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Any minute now the LDS Church will be falling all over itself announcing its big plans for downtown Salt Lake City. The local press will lap it up and kiss their asses. Mormons everywhere will gloat at the depth of their church's pockets. Even the mayor of Salt Lake, a former Mormon who has, on occasion, not seen eye to eye with the LDS Church, has become Bishop H. David Burton's lap dog on this one. Money talks.

In many ways this is a good thing. Investing two billion dollars (you heard me right) into downtown anywhere by anyone at all is good for the local economy. The blocks surrounding Temple Square are in desperate need of re-gentrification and I, for one, am glad to see someone step to the plate. There is no doubt the finished product will be first-rate and world-class.

There are some points to be made here though.

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As an ex-Mormon blogger, I suppose I'm somewhat obligated to share with you my General Conference weekend experiences. Let me begin by warning you that I watched exactly no sessions this year. So if you're expecting a recap, rebuttal, or my opinion on the speakers or topics, sorry.

Ok, I guess I didn't totally avoid Conference. The girl at the gas station where I bought coffee Sunday morning happened to have the radio on behind the counter (by the way, if you are selling coffee to apostates on a Sunday AND listening to GC, you should fully expect me to tease you and you should just smile and nod) so I did happen to catch a few minutes of Hinckley's address. It seems that the mouthpiece of God on Earth, in these trying times, yea even the end of days had some words of revelation and inspiration to the Saints.

That's right, the Prophet of God, through the power of modern revelation, gave us an update on the $1.5 billion downtown Salt Lake redevelopment project the LDS Church is undertaking. I guess God is so impressed with the plan that he touched Gordon's heart to spread the word. Oh, also, he gave us a full report on his continued health and longevity. Wahoo. Oh yeah, and stay off the Internet, the devil lives there. This is just what the world needs today, a geriatric, technophobic, real-estate mogul. That's what Jesus wants me to be, I just know it.

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