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An Orgy Of Technology

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I have always dreamed of a high end home theater. I now have the man-lair I dreamed about since I was a kid, the kind of place fourteen-year-old boys have fantasies about.

For starters, the room is in the basement, away from the main living area of the house. The theater is a dedicated media room equipped only for the task of satisfying my carnal lust for sports, action movies, and other such unruliness. This makes it something of a Celestial Room of multimedia. In fact, I am thinking of requiring an interview and recommend for admittance. I can go there to unburden the cares of the day and meditate. It is here I worship television.

The screen was painstakingly painted with no fewer than five coats of specialized metallic and diffusing paint. It measures 108 inches diagonally. Though it is merely a gray rectangle it is as beautiful to me as anything hanging in The Louvre.

The speakers, gracefully and inconspicuously recessed in the ceiling, are configured for 6.1 surround sound. They are there to serve me. They bathe me in sound in a way that almost makes me feel dirty. It is like being fed grapes by a Vestal Virgin with a palm frawn. I literally giggle thinking of it. The bass from the subwoofer makes my pee-pee tingle.

Overhead is an InFocus IN24 DLP projector. Combined with the HDTV output from both my Comcast DVR and DVD player, it silently displays a stunning picture that never fails to make me feel as though I am watching a live event in person rather than in my home.

Of course there's plenty of seating for friends and family. There's also a fridge full of cold ones and a microwave for popping corn. I also have digital video recording, 10 HDTV channels, HBO, and several dozen DVD's. I seriously have spent entire weekends there getting up only for a fresh drink or a bathroom break. Even then, I never took my eyes off the screen.

This is truly the perfect place.

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If you're in SLC and it's

Submitted by La (not verified) on September 12, 2006 - 8:36pm.

If you're in SLC and it's 8:30 pm on Tuesday night, how come your time stamp says it's Wed Sept 13? What is this magic??

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Time Warp

Submitted by Pete on September 13, 2006 - 8:29am.

This blog runs on Kolob time which is relative for each person based on their level of Celestialization. If you sell me some signs or tokens I could probably ensure the proper time zone display for you and your family in the eternities.

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I have no signs or tokens to

Submitted by La (not verified) on September 13, 2006 - 8:31pm.

I have no signs or tokens to sell. I immediately forgot them upon placing the stamp on my resignation letter.

How about booze or hot sex? I've got plenty of those, given my depraved fall from grace.

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I hear...

Submitted by Pete on September 14, 2006 - 8:29am.

I hear that hot sex can get eternal glory as long as you are the 14 year-old daughter of a General Authority and the sex is with the Prophet. I'm still not sure it'll fix your time zone though.

I wonder just how narrow these comment boxes will actually get...

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6.1 surround sound and adult entertainment

Submitted by Sideon (not verified) on September 13, 2006 - 1:25pm.

Anything that makes your pee-pee tingle is a good thing.

Amen.

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